Bitter and Moody

Bitterness in me is a constant companion. So is depression. So is wild happiness. I'm a very moody person. I would rather just be level, although this will never happen with me. My emotions are too much of a teeter-totter, swinging wildly from one extreme to another.

It's normally one of the first emotions I feel for something that does not make me happy. Most of the time, I feel it, but basically ignore it, as it is always there. Some days, like today, it comes out with a passion. I never really understand why it appears when it does, but I cannot push it down. I need to let it out, lest it destroy me. Today I feel bitter. I know why. It will pass tomorrow, and I will feel something else strongly, I don't know what, but it will be different. But I am still bitter today.

The bitterness allows thoughts of wild violence appear in my head. Nothing I would act upon, but the fantasies are delicious. I live in the world of my fantasy. At times, the fantasies are beautiful and fanciful and light. Today they are not, they are full of death and darkness and evil. The two sides of me, always pulling me in two different directions at the same time, is pulling me towards the dark today. Tomorrow, the pull towards the light will happen. And so it goes.