Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Life is Strange

I can't fall asleep right now, so I'm gonna write something that I've been meaning to put into words for sometime.

Life is strange sometimes. It's weird how when you're at your lowest point, not able to see the light. When ending it all is an option that suddenly appears in your mind, something, the smallest thing lets the light shine down and bring you out of those depths.

I've had a weird time emotionally the past few months. Was kinda dating someone, more friends with benefits. Which is a bad thing for me. A very bad thing for me. I always keep friends and lovers on separate levels. I mixed the two. Why did I mix the two when I knew what the result was? That has never lead me to a good place. Fell for him. Actually it angered me more than anything. Why would I let myself down this path when I know there's no future. At least the future I would like. Why would I allow myself to feel like this. Why?

I shouldn't ask why. Why you ask? My feelings and emotions do not really lend themselves to words well. I just know things. That's really the only way I can explain it. And you know what? I felt love. I feel love. I was rejected. I was rejected long before I felt love. I may accept it on the surface, but like the sea, the surface never explains everything. There's a deep well of feeling that brews inside of me. It chooses to come out when it's ready to. I have almost no control of it. When I try to control it, I'm dragged down and ready to end it all when I do.

I continually have to learn to let go. Release my emotions. Let them out into the light of day. Staying at the bottom of the sea will not allow me to grow. I want to grow. I need to grow.

Anyways, I was rejected. I knew this was the case, but I did not want to accept it when I initially knew it. When reality stepped in, I let myself feel the pain. It hurt, but I was alive. I let out more emotion than I have ever let out. The feelings were real. I released my emotion. An hour later, a text was sent to me. It was the center of my world. The rollercoaster had reached the bottom of the hill, and was climbing again. The relationship that I thought I ruined because of my fear. My fear of release. My fear of truth. It was not ruined. It was damaged, but not destroyed. There was a base to rebuild. I am rebuilding it. We are rebuilding it. It may be destroyed in the end, but that does not matter. I'm trying. I am learning how to trust. I am learning how to release. I am learning how to accept.

I do not know what the future holds, and I'm scared, but I do not fear. I can trust. I am ready to open my heart to someone. My personality has many different facets. I give them names sometimes. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Satan. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Nancy. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Shaniqua. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Tom. And most of all I'm ready to let him see the one I call Mike.

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