Another day passes and I'm still here. All is not good, but things are passable.
Change is needed, and I have to do it myself!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The only reason to watch Fox News Ever
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
What's Next?
I've never been one for many words, one of the reasons I'm doing this "thing." I need to write more. I need to express myself more.
Tonight, I'm sitting here, after a long day at work, wondering, what's next. What I do for work is not bad, but I'm not happy with it. I need to move on. I want to move on. But I'm not sure how to move on. I want to work at Northwestern directly for awhile, but I know that's not my be all end all.
I'm pretty smart. I have a creative streak. I do not deal with authority well at all. I'm not an idea person. I'm a process person. I can come up with ideas, but they are not ideas that might work well for others. I am very good at taking someone else's idea, and making it into reality. And the process to make that reality happen. What do I do? Where do I go?
I feel as though I need an opening, but to what is what confuses me. What do I want to be when I grow up? I'm there, and I still don't know. I need to do these things for myself, but I need a starting point. I need a basis to start my thinking. I don't have that base. I don't have that idea I can take and develop.
Tonight, I'm sitting here, after a long day at work, wondering, what's next. What I do for work is not bad, but I'm not happy with it. I need to move on. I want to move on. But I'm not sure how to move on. I want to work at Northwestern directly for awhile, but I know that's not my be all end all.
I'm pretty smart. I have a creative streak. I do not deal with authority well at all. I'm not an idea person. I'm a process person. I can come up with ideas, but they are not ideas that might work well for others. I am very good at taking someone else's idea, and making it into reality. And the process to make that reality happen. What do I do? Where do I go?
I feel as though I need an opening, but to what is what confuses me. What do I want to be when I grow up? I'm there, and I still don't know. I need to do these things for myself, but I need a starting point. I need a basis to start my thinking. I don't have that base. I don't have that idea I can take and develop.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Life is Strange
I can't fall asleep right now, so I'm gonna write something that I've been meaning to put into words for sometime.
Life is strange sometimes. It's weird how when you're at your lowest point, not able to see the light. When ending it all is an option that suddenly appears in your mind, something, the smallest thing lets the light shine down and bring you out of those depths.
I've had a weird time emotionally the past few months. Was kinda dating someone, more friends with benefits. Which is a bad thing for me. A very bad thing for me. I always keep friends and lovers on separate levels. I mixed the two. Why did I mix the two when I knew what the result was? That has never lead me to a good place. Fell for him. Actually it angered me more than anything. Why would I let myself down this path when I know there's no future. At least the future I would like. Why would I allow myself to feel like this. Why?
I shouldn't ask why. Why you ask? My feelings and emotions do not really lend themselves to words well. I just know things. That's really the only way I can explain it. And you know what? I felt love. I feel love. I was rejected. I was rejected long before I felt love. I may accept it on the surface, but like the sea, the surface never explains everything. There's a deep well of feeling that brews inside of me. It chooses to come out when it's ready to. I have almost no control of it. When I try to control it, I'm dragged down and ready to end it all when I do.
I continually have to learn to let go. Release my emotions. Let them out into the light of day. Staying at the bottom of the sea will not allow me to grow. I want to grow. I need to grow.
Anyways, I was rejected. I knew this was the case, but I did not want to accept it when I initially knew it. When reality stepped in, I let myself feel the pain. It hurt, but I was alive. I let out more emotion than I have ever let out. The feelings were real. I released my emotion. An hour later, a text was sent to me. It was the center of my world. The rollercoaster had reached the bottom of the hill, and was climbing again. The relationship that I thought I ruined because of my fear. My fear of release. My fear of truth. It was not ruined. It was damaged, but not destroyed. There was a base to rebuild. I am rebuilding it. We are rebuilding it. It may be destroyed in the end, but that does not matter. I'm trying. I am learning how to trust. I am learning how to release. I am learning how to accept.
I do not know what the future holds, and I'm scared, but I do not fear. I can trust. I am ready to open my heart to someone. My personality has many different facets. I give them names sometimes. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Satan. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Nancy. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Shaniqua. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Tom. And most of all I'm ready to let him see the one I call Mike.
Life is strange sometimes. It's weird how when you're at your lowest point, not able to see the light. When ending it all is an option that suddenly appears in your mind, something, the smallest thing lets the light shine down and bring you out of those depths.
I've had a weird time emotionally the past few months. Was kinda dating someone, more friends with benefits. Which is a bad thing for me. A very bad thing for me. I always keep friends and lovers on separate levels. I mixed the two. Why did I mix the two when I knew what the result was? That has never lead me to a good place. Fell for him. Actually it angered me more than anything. Why would I let myself down this path when I know there's no future. At least the future I would like. Why would I allow myself to feel like this. Why?
I shouldn't ask why. Why you ask? My feelings and emotions do not really lend themselves to words well. I just know things. That's really the only way I can explain it. And you know what? I felt love. I feel love. I was rejected. I was rejected long before I felt love. I may accept it on the surface, but like the sea, the surface never explains everything. There's a deep well of feeling that brews inside of me. It chooses to come out when it's ready to. I have almost no control of it. When I try to control it, I'm dragged down and ready to end it all when I do.
I continually have to learn to let go. Release my emotions. Let them out into the light of day. Staying at the bottom of the sea will not allow me to grow. I want to grow. I need to grow.
Anyways, I was rejected. I knew this was the case, but I did not want to accept it when I initially knew it. When reality stepped in, I let myself feel the pain. It hurt, but I was alive. I let out more emotion than I have ever let out. The feelings were real. I released my emotion. An hour later, a text was sent to me. It was the center of my world. The rollercoaster had reached the bottom of the hill, and was climbing again. The relationship that I thought I ruined because of my fear. My fear of release. My fear of truth. It was not ruined. It was damaged, but not destroyed. There was a base to rebuild. I am rebuilding it. We are rebuilding it. It may be destroyed in the end, but that does not matter. I'm trying. I am learning how to trust. I am learning how to release. I am learning how to accept.
I do not know what the future holds, and I'm scared, but I do not fear. I can trust. I am ready to open my heart to someone. My personality has many different facets. I give them names sometimes. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Satan. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Nancy. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Shaniqua. I'm ready to let him see the one I call Tom. And most of all I'm ready to let him see the one I call Mike.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Oh Iowa!
How you make me happy. Federal marriage rights aren't there yet, but here's the leader of the Iowa Senate NOT supporting a constitutional amendment to block gay marriage in Iowa.
Obama/Benny Hill Video
I needed a laugh. Haven't seen Obama as Benny Hill before.
Obama's G-20 Roundup - watch more funny videos
Sufjan Stevens super talented, and HOT!
But not so much in this video. I've been searching for videos done by Sufjan Stevens, but apparently he doesn't do any, which sucks. Sufjan is from Detroit originally, and grew up in the UP of Michigan, so one of the many musicians from my hometown. I found this live performance by him on YouTube. This is one of my favorite songs of his, and as it is sort of about the town my BF and I went on vacation to last year, it gives me good memories.
Here's his website, check it out: Sufjan Stevens
Here's his website, check it out: Sufjan Stevens
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Norwegian Electro Making Me Happy
I've been listening to this band much lately. You've heard them before, probably without knowing who. If you've seen the GEICO caveman commercial, with the caveman in the airport. The music in the background is Röyksopp-Remind Me. This song has been making my morning commute a bit better this week.
Here's a link to their website: Röyksopp
Here's a link to their website: Röyksopp
The Litany Against Fear
Saw this on another blog, and as big a fan of Dune as I am, it should be here. Plus it does help me with my own self sometimes.
I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear, I will permit it to pass over me and through me
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.
I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear, I will permit it to pass over me and through me
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.
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